It has been a hard week. One of the toughest weeks. A close friend of mine suddenly passed away. It has sent me into a spiral of emotions. What I have been feeling the most has been anger. I am angry that he died. I am angry that he did not have more time with his family and his friends. I am angry that he was chosen to leave this world. I am angry that his body failed him.
My head starts filling with all the cliches you hear when people die.
It happened for a reason He is in a better place Time will heal
Then I scream in my head.
No! This was not suppose to happen! He is not in a better place! He should be alive! He deserves to be alive! This is not fair! Why? Why him?
The other day after visiting his home and being with his family and close friends, I felt his presence. Brian and I were driving and I shared my last post with Brian and played the song by Coldplay – Fix you, it started to rain. The rain drops were soft, barely making a noise like tears flowing. It could be coincidence considering we live in Seattle and it rains here often. However in that moment, I felt him and my heart was full.
Today those feelings of anger changed. Today was his funeral service. It was a beautiful memoriam of his life. People shared stories, memories, and loving hugs. The theme of the service was to celebrate his life despite feeling sadness and grief. Although it was overwhelming; feeling everyone’s collective despair, it was also comforting. I was surrounded by the people who loved him and we all tried to focus our energy on sending him off with positivity and light.
At the end of the service the Thai monks came and conducted their ceremonial prayer chant. The room was suddenly still and then filled with soothing energy. As tears flowed down my face, I focused on sending prayers to have his spirit rest in peace. I no longer feel anger because I know that feeling was masking a deep sorrow.
I lost a true friend. Someone who was extremely loyal, brutally honest, and who cared with all of his heart. He was an amazing father and was motivated to do better; to not be stagnant but to keep pushing forward for his daughter. I hold tight to all of our memories; of us being young and reckless and of us growing up and being responsible parents. I cling to these memories and will cherish them forever.